Speech Therapy for Potty Mouths

I think it's hilarious when kids say things to embarrass their parents. It's even funnier when they unknowingly use bad words.

When I was a kid, my mom sent us down to her parents' cattle farm for a couple of weeks every summer. After the first week, my cousin and I inevitably grew bored with naming the new calves, sneaking down to my uncle's room to view the naughty picture hanging inside his closet, and digging through Nanny's chest freezer looking for food older than we were.

One summer, when I was probably eight or nine, we wandered into the barn and told my Uncle Wierdie that we were bored.

He promptly handed each of us a shovel and said, "I think you girls are old enough to be part of my ship shoveling crew."

I remember going home and telling my parents that I was a ship shoveler. It turned out to be a pretty accurate prophecy.

These days, my sister is raising some potty mouths. Her little boy, Joe, got in trouble not long ago for calling his teacher a bad name.

"He called me a twat," the woman whispered to my sister when she went to pick him up.

My sister had the perfect comeback. "What's a twat?" she innocently asked.

Embarrassed, the woman pointed to her private parts.

So my sister went home and asked Joe what he'd called his teacher that day. He shrugged and said, "I called her a twerp." Now, I know that's not a great thing for a little boy to call his teacher, but it's definitely not "twat."

The only problem is that he can't pronounce his r's very well. So "twerp" sounded like "twap", which the teacher understood as "twat." I swear, some teachers have really dirty minds.

Joe's little sister, Kate, has the same trouble with her r's. The other night, I was over at their house during dinner. My sister put a plate in front of a hungry little Kate, and she shouted, "Mom, I need a fork!"

It sounded really bad.

I looked at my sister and said, "So do I."