Speech Therapy for Potty Mouths

I think it's hilarious when kids say things to embarrass their parents. It's even funnier when they unknowingly use bad words.

When I was a kid, my mom sent us down to her parents' cattle farm for a couple of weeks every summer. After the first week, my cousin and I inevitably grew bored with naming the new calves, sneaking down to my uncle's room to view the naughty picture hanging inside his closet, and digging through Nanny's chest freezer looking for food older than we were.

One summer, when I was probably eight or nine, we wandered into the barn and told my Uncle Wierdie that we were bored.

He promptly handed each of us a shovel and said, "I think you girls are old enough to be part of my ship shoveling crew."

I remember going home and telling my parents that I was a ship shoveler. It turned out to be a pretty accurate prophecy.

These days, my sister is raising some potty mouths. Her little boy, Joe, got in trouble not long ago for calling his teacher a bad name.

"He called me a twat," the woman whispered to my sister when she went to pick him up.

My sister had the perfect comeback. "What's a twat?" she innocently asked.

Embarrassed, the woman pointed to her private parts.

So my sister went home and asked Joe what he'd called his teacher that day. He shrugged and said, "I called her a twerp." Now, I know that's not a great thing for a little boy to call his teacher, but it's definitely not "twat."

The only problem is that he can't pronounce his r's very well. So "twerp" sounded like "twap", which the teacher understood as "twat." I swear, some teachers have really dirty minds.

Joe's little sister, Kate, has the same trouble with her r's. The other night, I was over at their house during dinner. My sister put a plate in front of a hungry little Kate, and she shouted, "Mom, I need a fork!"

It sounded really bad.

I looked at my sister and said, "So do I."

Beware of Twastikas!

Given all the rancor I aroused by suggesting that Tiger Woods probably won’t change and that Elin should go ahead and cut her losses, I’ve been biting my lip and sitting on my hands since news broke about Sandra Bullock’s marriage troubles.

I can’t stand it any longer.

Jesse James, Bullock’s husband (who, incidentally, claims to be distantly related to the wild west outlaw), seemed like a good guy and a loving husband. Sandy acted like she adored him, and she even gave up on trying to have children of her own so that she could raise his.

They may have given that acting Oscar to the wrong member of the family. He, obviously, wasn't what his wife believed him to be.

Apparently, the mistress, a tattooed hoochie mama named Michelle "Bombshell" Mcgee who files her fingernails into sharp points, has a Nazi tattoo near her private parts.

A swastika tattooed on her twat? Is she sinister, stupid, or just partial to weinerschnitzel?

Although Mr. Monster Garage has been checking under the wrong hood, I could understand if Sandra Bullock didn't tear up her family over one affair. After all, I couldn’t see divorcing my husband when I found out about his first affair. We’d been married for fourteen years and had three children. And if my husband’s story was to be believed, the girl knew he was a millionaire, and she threw herself at him.

Apparently, the same thing happened to Jesse James. Given the fact that Michelle Mcgee sold her story to InTouch Magazine for $30,000, I had to wonder if she had set her sights on him, this woman with the words “Prayerful Sinner” tattooed across her forehead and he was too stupid to see her for what she was.

To all the “Michelles” of the world: stop trying to steal husbands and break up marriages. Seriously, go get your own asshole. Because do you honestly believe he won’t ever in a million years cheat on you? You’re that special? Really?

And here’s a tip for the stupid men (or women) who believe that your sweet young thing is really in love with you: when your IQ reaches 72, SELL!

But today, another “Michelle” came forward. Brigitte Daguerre claims to have had an affair with Jesse James. And she’s number three.

Here’s my advice: divorce him, Sandra. Do it quickly. There’s no vaccine for stupid, so this serial cheater will cheat on you again. Anyway, weren’t you the one who said that if you’d been Elin Woods, you wouldn’t have stopped with the golf club? You would have gotten the baseball bat out?

And for those who want to bring up some ridiculous bullshit about forgiveness, I'd like to remind you of the old saying, “Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me”?

Or how about the bumper sticker that simply reads, “Fergit, Hell!”

But I do think it would be fun if someone tattooed “Big F*&%ing Deal” across her titties and made a play for Joe Biden.