There She Is . . .

The prom dress arrived! We ordered it in January, I had panic attacks about its arrival in February, we finally got it in March, and two weeks ago – two measly weeks before the Prom – her high school announced that strapless dresses are prohibited at their prom.

Probably because high school girls wait until ten days before the prom to begin looking for a gown, right?

I kept my cool when thepromdress.com took six weeks to deliver the dress. I even had a good belly laugh when they blamed Chinese New Year for the delay. But when the high school pulled that rule out of its metaphorical ass, my friends, I lost my shit.

I’ve included some pictures of what’s been allowed at high school proms across our great nation in recent years. Take a look at my daughter’s picture, and compare it to what has typically been tolerated.

My hairdresser, Josh, who’s my hairdresser/friend/shrink, came to my house to do her hair. And he brought with him a friend named Bart, who just happens to be a professional makeup artist. When they were finished, I helped her slip into the gown and then buckled her shoes for her. All that was missing was my dad singing his version of the Miss America song (“There she is/Miss America/There she is/My ideal”). His rendition went like this: “There she is, Miss-Cell-a-ne-ous.”

Isn’t she gorgeous in her prohibited gown?

Just for the record, my daughter doesn’t attend a Christian high school. It’s a public school. And I’ve no doubt that Flo Rida’s Right Round, with its lyrics about blow jobs ("You turn my head right round/when you go down/when you go down, down") will be in the DJ’s mix at some point during the evening.

Good thing there won’t be any slutty strapless gowns dancing to that song.

Well, actually, there will. Because last week, after I collected myself, I purchased a $26 wrap for her to wear over her $500 dress. Once she’s handed her ticket to the dress Nazi and entered that darkened ballroom, the wrap will be history. And she will have the time of her life dancing to suggestive lyrics in her absolutely decent, very pretty dress that will, most likely, turn a few heads - in a good way.