When in Rome, Do as the Enquirer

Rome was the last stop on our Italy trip.  Sandra, our tour guide, led us to the top of the Palatine Hill, where legend has it the twins Romulus and Remus were kept alive by a she-wolf after being abandoned by their mother.  Romulus later founded the city of Rome on that hill, and excavations have determined that people have lived there since 1000 B.C.

As we reached the top of the hill and looked down at the remains of the Forum on one side and Circus Maximus on the other, Sandra said, “The history of Rome is this:  if you dig, you will find something.”

She meant, of course, that digging in Rome means finding, say, the ruins of an ancient temple or an arch some emperor had constructed and named after himself.  In fact, it’s extremely difficult for Rome to add new subway routes because digging almost always uncovers an ancient ruin that must be preserved.

If you dig, you will find something.  Those words are true about a lot more than just the city of Rome.

Take, for instance, good old John Edwards.  His mistress, Rielle Hunter, was pregnant with his child while he was posing with his wife at Wendy’s and making a big hooha over his 30^th wedding anniversary.   A tabloid dug and, by golly, found something.

(And for the record, I love how Ms. Hunter told Oprah yesterday that she trusts John Edwards.  She’s special, you see.  He would never cheat on her.)

In fact, I'll bet Elizabeth Edwards, Sandra Bullock, Elin Woods, Shawn Southwick (the girl married to Larry King, himself an ancient ruin), and Tiki Barber's wife all wish they'd done some digging before the tabloids did.

Several years ago, my teenage daughter came into my bedroom and told me she’d found evidence her father was cheating on me.  Then she crossed her arms over her chest and, with eyebrows raised, said, “How much more are you going to take?”

See, I already suspected he was cheating.  I just didn’t want to know.  But when your daughter thinks you need to get out, it’s time to do some digging.

So I dug.  And of course I found something.  It wasn't the Arch of Constantine, but I found the email of Niedra and the airline ticket of Delta and the “three new flirts” confirmation of his AdultFriendFinder account.

My advice:  when in a troubled marriage, do as the Romans and dig.

Dollars and (a Lack of) Sense

I try, and I try, but I can't comprehend this one:  basically, while our financial system was melting down, our financial watchdogs were watching porn.


According to reports that came out last week, employees of the Securities and Exchange Commission were, quite literally, playing with themselves while my retirement account was vanishing.  That pisses me off!


Apparently, one senior attorney at SEC headquarters in Washington was logging 8 hours a day on porn sites while he was at work.  One accountant, a woman, viewed porn sites 1,800 times in two weeks.  Another employee made 16,000 attempts to view blocked sites in one month.


Out of 31 serious alleged offenders, 17 were senior employees who made between $100,000 and $222,000 a year.
Makes Tiger Woods seems like an innocent little pussycat, doesn’t it?  And the comparison begs the question of whether serial cheaters like Tiger and Jesse James are really sex addicts.


I mean, Tiger was at least working 8 hours a day and winning major tournaments while getting his action on the side.  These idiots at the SEC were working full-time with their porn.  It makes one wonder if the people around them didn’t notice that productivity had taken a nosedive.


I love what author Mike Leahy said about the SEC boys (and girl, apparently).   The author of Porn Nation:  Conquering America's #1 Addiction, he candidly said on Good Morning America, “Trust me, these guys are addicts.”   And for those who must know exactly HOW in the name of Hugh Hefner someone could jeopardize a $100,000-a-year job with pictures of things that make some people lose their lunch, click on Leahy's link.  He explains it well.


But really, I'm not so interested in how those folks got to be so addicted to porn.  I’m just wondering if the whole mess could have been avoided if Bernie Madoff and the boys at Goldman Sachs had just been wearing leather chaps and spiked collars while they were screwing with our financial system.


Come to think of it, Bernie's prolly wearing chaps these days.  Punishment for the SEC idiots should be having to turn their retirement funds over to Bernie's investment expertise.


That would give me a little satisfaction.

Beware of Twastikas!

Given all the rancor I aroused by suggesting that Tiger Woods probably won’t change and that Elin should go ahead and cut her losses, I’ve been biting my lip and sitting on my hands since news broke about Sandra Bullock’s marriage troubles.

I can’t stand it any longer.

Jesse James, Bullock’s husband (who, incidentally, claims to be distantly related to the wild west outlaw), seemed like a good guy and a loving husband. Sandy acted like she adored him, and she even gave up on trying to have children of her own so that she could raise his.

They may have given that acting Oscar to the wrong member of the family. He, obviously, wasn't what his wife believed him to be.

Apparently, the mistress, a tattooed hoochie mama named Michelle "Bombshell" Mcgee who files her fingernails into sharp points, has a Nazi tattoo near her private parts.

A swastika tattooed on her twat? Is she sinister, stupid, or just partial to weinerschnitzel?

Although Mr. Monster Garage has been checking under the wrong hood, I could understand if Sandra Bullock didn't tear up her family over one affair. After all, I couldn’t see divorcing my husband when I found out about his first affair. We’d been married for fourteen years and had three children. And if my husband’s story was to be believed, the girl knew he was a millionaire, and she threw herself at him.

Apparently, the same thing happened to Jesse James. Given the fact that Michelle Mcgee sold her story to InTouch Magazine for $30,000, I had to wonder if she had set her sights on him, this woman with the words “Prayerful Sinner” tattooed across her forehead and he was too stupid to see her for what she was.

To all the “Michelles” of the world: stop trying to steal husbands and break up marriages. Seriously, go get your own asshole. Because do you honestly believe he won’t ever in a million years cheat on you? You’re that special? Really?

And here’s a tip for the stupid men (or women) who believe that your sweet young thing is really in love with you: when your IQ reaches 72, SELL!

But today, another “Michelle” came forward. Brigitte Daguerre claims to have had an affair with Jesse James. And she’s number three.

Here’s my advice: divorce him, Sandra. Do it quickly. There’s no vaccine for stupid, so this serial cheater will cheat on you again. Anyway, weren’t you the one who said that if you’d been Elin Woods, you wouldn’t have stopped with the golf club? You would have gotten the baseball bat out?

And for those who want to bring up some ridiculous bullshit about forgiveness, I'd like to remind you of the old saying, “Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me”?

Or how about the bumper sticker that simply reads, “Fergit, Hell!”

But I do think it would be fun if someone tattooed “Big F*&%ing Deal” across her titties and made a play for Joe Biden.