Screwing with Forgiveness

Although I’m not in the habit of replying to comments by those too lily-livered to reveal their identity, a comment regarding my “Open Letter to Elin” must be addressed.

Anonymous wrote: “Yeah, Screw forgiveness. That’s just some 2000 year old ancient concept anyway.”

The English major in me is screaming that I cannot overlook the glaring punctuation errors in your post. But since we’re on the topic of forgiveness, I’m going to completely and utterly forgive you for those errors.

See, according to my dictionary, to “forgive” is to “stop feeling angry or resentful toward someone for an offense, flaw, or mistake. And I’m not feeling the least bit angry or resentful because you don’t know how to correctly punctuate a sentence.

Now, your reference to a “2,000-year-old concept” leads me to believe that you are a Christian and that you believe Jesus Christ, who was born just over 2,000 years ago, is the author of forgiveness by becoming a sacrifice for our sins. But if you’ll check your concordance, you’ll find that the word “forgive” and all the derivations of it are used more in the Old Testament than in the New. So, at least for Christians, it’s more like a 6,000-year-old concept. Again, I forgive you for the error.

I also find your opening sentence interesting: “Screw forgiveness.” Were you using the word “screw” as a verb or a noun? I’m assuming from the rest of your comment that you meant it to be used as a verb, much like the way I would say on this 24-degree day, “Screw this cold. I’m going to Key West for a few days.” In other words, you are saying my advice to Elin about getting out of that marriage is my way of ignoring God’s command to forgive others the way He forgave us.

Are you implying that Elin and every other woman married to a serial cheater should just stick around and hope her husband doesn’t give her herpes, AIDS, syphilis, or the run-of-the-mill skank crud? Really? Is that what you’re saying?

Or maybe I’ve got it all wrong. Maybe you intended for “screw” to be a noun, implying that we need to invent a whole new brand of forgiveness, one called “Screw Forgiveness.” I kind of like that. Finding out your spouse is cheating is such a horribly heart-wrenching experience that it really takes a lot more effort to stop feeing angry or resentful toward the offender than, say, someone dents your car. “Screw Forgiveness” could define a whole new level of forgiveness.

All our quibbling about semantics aside, I think our real issue goes back to the definition of forgiveness. While the dictionary's first definition of forgiveness is to “stop feeling angry or resentful,” the second is, simply, “to pardon someone.” The word “pardon,” of course, means to “release from punishment.”

I can do the first kind of forgiveness. In fact, I must, and not just because God says to. I have to do it for my own mental health. But releasing someone from punishment, negating the consequences of the offending action? Only God can do that. And for me to try doing God’s job isn’t forgiveness. It’s stupidity.

A child whose parents unfailingly shield him from the consequences for his actions, incidentally, often grows up to be a full-blown narcissist. And go check every sex addiction treatment center in the country. I’d be willing to bet they’re all full of narcissists.

Another erroneous belief about forgiveness is the idea that forgiving and forgetting are synonymous. Three years ago, I visited Notre Dame. On the back side of that magnificent old cathedral, out in the garden, is a memorial to the French citizens who were taken away during the Holocaust and never returned. In blood red letters are the words Pardonner mais ne jamais oublier. The translation: forgive but never forget. Those words helped me sort out my feelings about forgiveness.

I’m passionate about pointing out these errant concepts of forgiveness because I struggled with the issue for years. I forgave my husband when he confessed his first affair. I forgave when he went back to the girl the next week. After that, there were more women. The simple truth is that my “forgiveness” didn’t help a single person on this planet. It just let him believe he could keep getting away with it. It actually made things worse.

You tell me, which affair should be the final straw for Elin? The first mistress, or the thirteenth, or whichever number we’re up to in the skank count? I’m all about Elin forgiving if we’re talking about her learning to stop resenting her husband, but screw the notion of forgiveness as pardoning forgetfulness. The whole point of my post was that he’s probably not going to change. She needs to save herself and her children from any more heartbreak so that she can begin the process of forgiveness.

Yes, forgiveness is a grand (and ancient) concept. But I don’t believe it’s possible to fully forgive until you’ve removed yourself from the offensive situation. And for that reason alone, I would encourage her to leave.

Screw stupidity.