Tiger's Apology: Par for the Course?

I sat down to watch the Tiger Woods news conference with a massive dose of both skepticism and contempt. I’d already made up my mind that his apology was going to be a ridiculous horse and pony show timed to sneer at Accenture for dropping his endorsement deal and designed to be the venue for the proclamation that he is returning to golf. Integrity, you see, is sort of like virginity: once you've lost it, it's gone for good, even though you keep the package it came in.

I laughed at Jimmy Kimmel’s monologue last evening. He said, “Tiger won’t be taking questions from the press at the news conference. I think it would be fun, though, to watch him take questions from his wife.”

You see, I’ve been in Elin Woods’ shoes. I’ve been to Family Week in rehab, where the patient makes amends for the bad behavior and the family expresses its support for the recovering addict. So I was watching very closely for clues as to whether or not I believe Tiger is sincere and is going about the recovery process in the right way. After what I’ve been through, believe me, I can smell a rat.

I have to say, I was impressed by his apology for several reasons.

First, he’s returning to rehab, although I suspect he won’t be going back to the facility in Mississippi where he spent those 45 days. After my husband completed his initial stay in rehab (at the place where, incidentally, the expert at Tiger’s Mississippi center used to be on staff), they strongly advised him to check into another place in Los Angeles for two more weeks. It was, I suppose, a sort-of halfway house. He went, unwillingly, but he got kicked out within a few days. The fact that Tiger is continuing therapy and is willing to say that he’s putting his career on hold to focus on his recovery, to me, is a very positive sign.

Secondly, he took full responsibility for his actions and refused to blame anyone else. He stuck up for his wife and made it clear that it is his bad behavior that has caused all the problems in their marriage. That’s huge. In contrast, my husband blamed me. He had a list of things I had done wrong that caused him to seek out the arms (and other parts) of other women. Now, I’m not for one second saying that I was or am blameless. In fact, I wasn’t and still am not. But I know this for goddamn sure – if you’re in rehab and can come up with even a smidgen of blame for any other person as the reason you’re an addict, then the dollars you’re spending on that expensive rehab are doing you as much good as the “mom” jeans did for Jessica Simpson’s figure. We can only change when we stop giving other people the power in our lives. If Tiger truly does blame no one but himself, he’s on the right track.

Next, he doesn’t know when he’ll return to golf. The fact that Tiger Woods has no plans to play the Master’s or Pebble Beach means he’s not trying to hurry though rehab and recovery to check them off his list and placate his wife, sponsors, and fans before getting back to his career. To me, it means the therapists are getting through to him. He’s willing to submit to the process rather than arrogantly and defiantly saying he’s been through rehab and everything’s fine now.

The final thing that made me think this apology might be genuine was his mention of getting back to his spiritual foundation. I realize that most of my readers are not Buddhists and might scoff at its teachings on sin and redemption. But when it comes to dealing with addiction, I don’t believe it matters which spiritual practice you follow – it’s following a spiritual practice that makes the difference. And as Tiger pointed out, “Buddhism teaches that a craving for things outside ourselves causes an unhappy and pointless search for security. It teaches me to stop following every impulse and to learn restraint.” Learning to control his impulses is the whole point of his rehab, right?

Addiction has been wisely defined for me as a lack of intimacy with one’s soul. I don’t know if Tiger has reconnected with his soul. And I don’t know if the tears in his eyes were genuine. His wife said it best, that his apology will ultimately not be in words but in how he lives. So we’ll have to wait and see if it’s real. What impresses me is the simple fact that he seems to be acting so very differently than my husband acted during and after rehab.

For the first time in my life, I actually find myself betting on and rooting for Tiger Woods.