Oxymoronic Dicks

Rhetorical devices such as metaphor, simile, alliteration, oxymoron, and allusion are the little frills that make writing interesting. “See Dick play” becomes “See Dick play with himself” using personification (some may think this is a stretch, but personification is defined as “ascribing human qualities to inanimate objects.”) “Play hard, Dick” is an example of a pun (or an oxymoron, depending on Dick). “Dick did Deb,” -- alliteration. And to complete our little story, “Run like hell, Deb” employs the use of simile.

Of all the rhetorical pretties, my personal favorite is irony. There’s nothing like a little contradiction to perk up a story; in Dick and Deb’s case, we could add Donny to the mix. Deb could run like hell into the arms of Donny, who is creepier than Dick ever thought about being. That’s irony. And if Donny’s as horny as a hippo in heat, that’s alliteration, simile, and irony all at once!

One of the best examples of irony I’ve ever come across involves a friend of mine. She’s a beautiful woman, my friend, who also happens to be a hotshot in a huge government agency. The woman makes a lot of money, and on top of that, she's very thin. As often happens, her dumbass husband -- let's just call him "Dick" -- left her for a dimwit freelance aerobics instructor with bad skin and a nasty personality several years ago. That marriage lasted sixteen months.

Not long after that marriage failed, Dick reconnected with a woman he knew in college. It was a whirlwind romance, and it wasn't long before my friend’s daughter called her mother during a weekend visit with her father.

“Mom,” she whispered, “Miss Diana has clothes at Daddy’s house now.”

“Well, sugar, they're together a lot,” my friend said, adding, "They're probably going to get married.

“Mom, I went through her stuff,” her daughter continued, “and guess what?”

Before my friend could scold her child for going through the woman’s things, her daughter came out with this gem: “She wears Granny Panties!”

The lesson, of course, is the age-old "Be careful what you wish for because you just might get it." And I love the irony of Dick trading his beautiful wife for a couple of big asses. In fact, I wonder if he ever asks himself this question: "Does this ass make my dick look smaller?"