Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Another Open Letter:

To My Dachshunds: I really hated putting you back in the car for the drive to Atlanta. I honestly thought we’d be in St. Augustine permanently. And I sincerely apologize for being so discombobulated by the news that there was water pouring from the basement of the Atlanta house that I mistakenly gave everyone Shirley’s thyroid medication instead of Benadryl. (They’re both pink, an easy mistake to make when you’re upset). Laverne and Squiggy, the vet assures me you’ll have no lingering effects.

To the Nice Policeman: I know my story sounded ridiculous, but I guess you were persuaded by the fact that I did have three dachshunds and very little luggage in my car. Or was it because I had apparently foregone the shower? Surely I had to be telling the truth about throwing the dogs in the car and leaving for Atlanta quickly when I heard about the water damage of epic proportions. Whatever your reason for giving me a break, I do know it was not due to the rumor that you let beautiful women off with just a warning. Because I looked and smelled like the south end of a northbound mule train. You were very kind to tear that ticket up.

To the Damage Restoration Guys: Sammy, Drake, and Tony from Servicemaster, you are my heroes. Thank you. And thanks to my neighbor, Diana, and my lawn girl, Kim, for noticing the water flooding from under the basement doors.

To my Insurance Company: No, I did not go down to my basement every afternoon and bang on the water heater with a hammer. No, I did not try to flood my basement on purpose just to get a new treadmill. A new one would not make me love running, believe me. The old one worked perfectly for watching a dachshund jump on and get thrown off. And no, your argument that my policy excludes standing water damage does not apply. The water was running out from under the basement doors.

To the Other Policeman: I swear I wasn’t checking my Facebook while driving 90 in a 55. I was Googling Servicemaster.

To My Dachshunds: Biting the Servicemaster guy was completely uncalled for. He is our friend.

To Drake, the Servicemaster Guy: I apologize for the dachshunds. They’re cranked up on thyroid medication. The vet said there are no lasting effects, but then again, this is the vet who can’t be certain whether or not he effectively spayed the cat.

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