Sandpapers

Underneat That, It's All Good

2010-05-02T22:04:00.002-04:00

Hey, Friends! We're moving this party to a bigger and better joint! Please join the party at http://www.looksgreatnaked.com The move is a really, really good thing. It’s means I’ve attracted enough followers to justify having my own website. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. (Profuse enough? Not yet? I’m getting there . . .) Here’s where I really need you: To get a book deal, I

When in Rome, Do as the Enquirer

2010-04-30T14:45:00.001-04:00

Rome was the last stop on our Italy trip. Sandra, our tour guide, led us to the top of the Palatine Hill, where legend has it the twins Romulus and Remus were kept alive by a she-wolf after being abandoned by their mother. Romulus later founded the city of Rome on that hill, and excavations have determined that people have lived there since 1000 B.C. As we reached the top of the hill and

Dollars and (a Lack of) Sense

2010-04-28T13:34:00.001-04:00

I try, and I try, but I can't comprehend this one: basically, while our financial system was melting down, our financial watchdogs were watching porn. According to reports that came out last week, employees of the Securities and Exchange Commission were, quite literally, playing with themselves while my retirement account was vanishing. That pisses me off! Apparently, one senior attorney

Next Stop: Sanity!

2010-04-27T13:12:00.000-04:00

Positano, Italy, might be the most beautiful place on the planet. It’s certainly the prettiest place I’ve ever visited, and that’s saying something, given that I’ve been to Paris, Venice, Hawaii, Jamaica, the English countryside, and Columbia, South Carolina. Or maybe I just have strong feelings for Positano because I almost didn’t live to see it. I should explain that,

Weighing In on the Pompeii Porn Debate

2010-04-26T13:06:00.002-04:00

Mt. Vesuvius blew its top in 79 A.D., spewing molten ash and poisonous sulphuric gas into the air for two days. Because of the way the wind was blowing, the city of Pompeii was buried in nearly 66 feet of ash and perfectly preserved before it was rediscovered in 1592. Careful excavation, which began over 200 years ago, has yielded unbelievable insight into what life in Pompeii was like. The

New Things To Do on the Back of a Vespa

2010-04-25T21:52:00.000-04:00

Raffaele Esposito was a chef in Naples, Italy, at the end of the 19th century. He was asked to create a dish in honor of the Queen consort of Italy, a woman named Margherita. Different versions of pizza – sauce on flat bread – had been around, oh, since the Neolithic Age. But Esposito, who wanted to use the colors of the Italian flag (red, white, and green) garnished

A New Appreciation for Mondays

2010-04-24T12:35:00.002-04:00

After only 1 ½ days in the world’s most romantic city, our tour guide, Vania, a native of Venice, met us at our hotel and guided us, suitcases in tow, through the narrow cobblestone streets of Venice, over two bridges, and through two campos to a waiting water taxi, which took us to the Venice train station. At the train station, Nathan’s lovely wife pulled the group train ticket out of her

Finding Romance in Venice

2010-04-22T11:34:00.000-04:00

What do you do when barbarians keep attacking your city, stealing your money, ravishing your women, and burning your houses? If you’re a group of northern Italians who like to color outside the lines, you begin rebuilding the city on an island in the middle of a lagoon. Then you build on the island next to it, and the one next to that, until you have almost 120 islands connected by bridges

Chewbacca Would've Had Trouble in Italy

2010-04-20T11:02:00.004-04:00

As the keeper of three incorrigible dachshunds, a three-legged Australian Shepherd, and a Bengal cat prone to STD’s, I was hardly surprised when my trip to Italy was jeopardized by a wayward pussy. Since we live in the same neighborhood, my traveling companions offered to give me a ride to the airport. Our flight was at 9 p.m., and they were to pick me up between 6:30 and 7. Knowing my

I Found the Perfect Man!

2010-04-16T17:15:00.001-04:00

I get tickled every time I hear the George Strait song “She Let Herself Go.” In case you’re not familiar with the song, it goes something like this: When he said he didn’t love her no more, she let herself go.Let herself go on a singles cruise,To Vegas once, then to Honolulu,Let herself go to New York City A week at the spa, came back knocked-out prettyWhen he said he didn’t love her no more,

A Boy and His (Three-Legged) Dog

2010-04-16T10:00:00.001-04:00

Pancho the overgrown puppy is having the time of his life at my house. He jumps into the pool approximately every fifteen minutes, which means he stays wet all day long. So he got a haircut yesterday (a shave, really, since he can't stand on three legs long enough to brush his hair out), and he wears that neckerchief with a jaunty swagger. I admire him, my damaged dog, for the simple reason

I've Been Called Worse!

2010-04-14T15:09:00.001-04:00

I can now officially be called the crazy dog lady. I have a new one, a three-legged Australian Shepherd named Pancho who is the reason I cry when I see those Pedigree commercials about rescue dogs. But Pancho isn’t a rescue dog. Not really. About this time last year, my son began begging for an Australian Shepherd puppy. He even had him picked out. He found a puppy online, called the

Fame is Gonna Cost You

2010-04-10T09:00:00.000-04:00

Have you heard about Donna Simpson? She’s the woman who’s trying to become the fattest woman in the world. Right now, she’s in the 600-pound range, up from the 532 pounds she weighed three years ago when she gave birth to her daughter. Her Baby Daddy, who she says is “a belly man,” is a scrawny little thing who weighs a mere 150 pounds. I need to picture slaughtered hogs just to stop thinking

Not Even in the Running

2010-04-08T17:40:00.000-04:00

I pass a tiny church on the way to my friend’s house. Being a preacher’s kid, I probably notice churches more easily than most, but the sign in front of this really little church just screamed at me. It read: “Woman of the Year. Luncheon Wednesday afternoon.” It got me thinking about what a gal would have to do to be named Woman of the Year. I mean, I won Mother of the Year once, but

Speech Therapy for Potty Mouths

2010-04-06T17:49:00.001-04:00

I think it's hilarious when kids say things to embarrass their parents. It's even funnier when they unknowingly use bad words. When I was a kid, my mom sent us down to her parents' cattle farm for a couple of weeks every summer. After the first week, my cousin and I inevitably grew bored with naming the new calves, sneaking down to my uncle's room to view the naughty picture hanging inside his

Can I Have an Epiphany with that Apple Fritter?

2010-04-01T17:00:00.002-04:00

Sex addiction has been in the news so much lately that one can’t ignore it. As the long-time primary caregiver for three products of sexual activity, I’ve had a hard time understanding how anyone could be addicted to sex. Shopping for outrageously expensive shoes – that’s something I could get addicted to. Food addiction, especially to those lovely apple fritters at Starbuck’s, I understand.

Krispy Kreme K-9s

2010-03-30T17:19:00.001-04:00

Laverne sniffed my hand suspiciously. “You’ve been petting someone tall, dark, and handsome,” she said in an accusing voice. “There’s been no petting in my life in quite some time,” I said, adding, “Maybe we need to get the nose checked?” “Not human tall, dark, and handsome. Canine. And while you were out fooling around, the cat ate all my food. I’m starving.” She had me. Last week, as

There She Is . . .

2010-03-26T22:07:00.008-04:00

The prom dress arrived! We ordered it in January, I had panic attacks about its arrival in February, we finally got it in March, and two weeks ago – two measly weeks before the Prom – her high school announced that strapless dresses are prohibited at their prom. Probably because high school girls wait until ten days before the prom to begin looking for a gown, right? I kept my cool when

Beware of Twastikas!

2010-03-25T16:45:00.010-04:00

Given all the rancor I aroused by suggesting that Tiger Woods probably won’t change and that Elin should go ahead and cut her losses, I’ve been biting my lip and sitting on my hands since news broke about Sandra Bullock’s marriage troubles.I can’t stand it any longer. Jesse James, Bullock’s husband (who, incidentally, claims to be distantly related to the wild west outlaw), seemed like a good

The Tao of Riding in Cabs

2010-03-23T22:37:00.008-04:00

Please tell me I’m not special. I’d hate to think that I’m the only person in the world who has terrible luck with New York cab drivers.Last fall, during the trip to deliver my daughter to her dorm at NYU, I got into a verbal altercation with a cabbie complicated by the fact that his verbiage was, simply put, NOT English.My ire started when he refused to help us load the six massive suitcases

Praying (and Playing) for Forgiveness

2010-03-21T10:26:00.009-04:00

Some of my readers, all of whom wish to remain Anonymous, have recently pointed out that they believe I’m severely lacking in the forgiveness department. They could be right. My kid made it to the finals in a tennis tournament yesterday. I can’t resist bragging just a bit because he’s fourteen, and he was playing in the 16-year-old division. So it’s kind of cool that he made it to the finals,

Maybe Nadal After All

2010-03-17T16:03:00.009-04:00

As it turns out, my kid, the great tennis player, is also an amazing writer. Below is an essay he wrote for English class, reprinted with his permission, of course. I've added a couple of editorial comments (in parentheses) for clarification.Growing up under a sick (disgustingly good, for anyone over 15) athlete puts a lot of expectations on you. Everyone thinks you’re the next version of him.

Nadal? Not at All

2010-03-15T21:58:00.005-04:00

My kid is a great tennis player. And I’m a champion tennis spectator. We make a great pair, this mom who loves tennis and loves her kid and the kid who burns through a pair of tennis shoes every three months when he’s training hard.Well, we make a great pair when he’s playing and I’m watching. Recently, though, I pointed out that I’ve spent the equivalent of a Mercedes on his tennis lessons

Whatever is a Girl to Do?

2010-03-13T16:38:00.007-05:00

I almost lost a dachshund. If I hadn’t been wearing my red Baywatch swimsuit the other day when Shirley fell into the pond, she would have drowned.I was sitting on my back porch enjoying a rare day of sunshine when I heard a strange-sounding “thunk.”I looked up to see that Shirley was in over her head. And given the fact that her legs are two inches long, she was not going to be able to pull

Syphilis, Herpes, and Other Wounds that Fester

2010-03-11T19:53:00.007-05:00

References to The Addams Family sitcom happened at least once a week when I was a kid. Given the fact that I have more hair than a yak and wore glasses as a child, I was often called “Cousin Itt.” In fact, if I flipped my hair over my face and put my glasses on, I was a dead ringer for Itt.I’m not Itt anymore, though. I’m Uncle Fester. Because after I read some of the anonymous comments by my

It's All Going to the Dogs

2010-03-08T21:02:00.004-05:00

Laverne and Shirley actually brought me the paper Saturday morning. “Read it! Read it out loud!” they barked, their little tails wagging in anticipation.“Why the sudden interest in current events?” I asked my dachshunds, thrilled that they actually fetched me the paper. Then I spotted the Wall Street Journal article on animal rights in Switzerland.Voters in Switzerland would be going to the

Assholes Anonymous

2010-03-07T15:09:00.003-05:00

It seems the Fundamentalist Police have a warrant out for my arrest. Anonymous has filed a complaint against me for rebellion, alcohol consumption, cursing, crude references to sexual activity, and trying to destroy 40 years’ worth of ministry. For a complete list of the charges, go to http://graceadams-sandpapers.blogspot.com/2010/02/combatting-assholiness.htmlShe’s right. I’m rebellious. I

A Pain (or two) in the Neck

2010-03-05T15:01:00.007-05:00

Recently, a neighbor took the time to walk across the street and ring my doorbell to inform me that he is unable to sit on his front porch in the afternoon and enjoy a glass of wine because my dachshunds bark too much.Seriously? It’s been cold enough to freeze the balls off the monkey statue next to my pool (pictured above), and you’re sitting on your front porch with a glass of wine? The only

Steamy Seductions

2010-03-02T13:16:00.007-05:00

Okay, I give up. Winter’s won. I’m not throwing in the towel because it’s the fourth time this winter that I’ve seen significant snow in Georgia. And for all you northerners, the Atlanta definition of “significant snow” is a simultaneous snowflake sighting and a mob at the Publix akin to Black Friday at WalMart.Neither is my dachshund’s refusal to go outside the reason for my surrender to the

English Supermodels, Klingons, and other Potential Beauties

2010-02-28T16:37:00.009-05:00

I was on the phone with my sister the other night during the witching hour, more commonly known as bedtime. My sister interrupted our conversation to say to one of her twins, “I told you to go get your pajamas on.” I heard my niece reply, “But I haven’t had a bath yet.”My sister said, “You don’t need a bath tonight. It's already late. Just go put your pajamas on.”The response cracked me up.

Combatting Assholiness

2010-02-23T22:45:00.007-05:00

Dear Anonymous:Thank you for your comment regarding Tiger Woods' apology. Obviously, you think you know me. You know I graduated from a Christian school, so I’m assuming you’ve known me for a long time, at least since I was in high school.Here are the words you use to describe me: sad, bitter, unattractive, pathetic, and rebellious. Oh, and I need to grow up. Apparently, you think my

Year of the Prom Dress

2010-02-23T13:48:00.009-05:00

For her seventeenth birthday, my younger daughter asked me for a prom gown. She’d had it picked out for a long time, this dress of her dreams. But no store in the Atlanta area had the dress in stock, so we were forced to order it online.I know that ordering a dress online when she hasn’t even tried it on is, well, crazy. But about this time two years ago, a smallish package addressed to her

Tiger's Apology: Par for the Course?

2010-02-19T13:07:00.007-05:00

I sat down to watch the Tiger Woods news conference with a massive dose of both skepticism and contempt. I’d already made up my mind that his apology was going to be a ridiculous horse and pony show timed to sneer at Accenture for dropping his endorsement deal and designed to be the venue for the proclamation that he is returning to golf. Integrity, you see, is sort of like virginity: once

A Lot of Huffing and Puffing (and Blowing)

2010-02-17T11:37:00.006-05:00

A common urban legend has it that men think about sex every seven seconds. And if that statistic were actually true, one might reasonably argue that all men are sex addicts. Although that myth has been debunked, it brought to mind a college literature professor I once had.A friend had warned me about this particular professor, saying, “The man makes everything about sex.”Given that much of

Screwing with Forgiveness

2010-02-10T14:28:00.003-05:00

Although I’m not in the habit of replying to comments by those too lily-livered to reveal their identity, a comment regarding my “Open Letter to Elin” must be addressed.Anonymous wrote: “Yeah, Screw forgiveness. That’s just some 2000 year old ancient concept anyway.”The English major in me is screaming that I cannot overlook the glaring punctuation errors in your post. But since we’re on the

An Open Letter to Elin Woods . . .

2010-02-08T11:58:00.005-05:00

Oh, girl, what a mess you find yourself in. I don’t have all the facts, but here’s what I think happened. You met a handsome, charming, very wealthy and very famous athlete, and he asked you out. For some reason, you turned him down at first. He continued to pursue you, and the whole world started screaming in your ear: Are you crazy? He’s Tiger-freakin’-Woods, the greatest golfer of all

Mine's Bigger than Reggie's

2010-02-01T16:59:00.003-05:00

At the beginning of the end of my marriage, my husband and I took a trip to the Bahamas with several other couples. Sixteen friends at the Atlantis Resort, lying around the pool drinking Dirty Bananas during the day and spending our evenings enjoying a long dinner followed by a little gambling, drinking, and dancing. What? You’ve never had a Dirty Banana? Shut up! It’s a banana daiquiri

Pat Robertson Voodoo Doll, Anyone?

2010-01-26T13:19:00.006-05:00

My sister’s family spent Halloween 2008 in St. Augustine for a couple of reasons: she had tickets to the Neil Diamond concert in Jacksonville, and her husband went to the Georgia-Florida game. My sister is a Neil Diamond-head, something her husband simply cannot understand; and he’d prefer to have a wad of tobacco in his mouth rather than a Milk Dud, something I cannot comprehend. Early on

What's That in Dog Years?

2010-01-20T17:11:00.006-05:00

I have a friend who owned an English mastiff named Max who almost made it into the Guinness Book of World Records. Unfortunately, the 300-pound dog died before he could be verified as the biggest dog in the world.Max was so big, in fact, that when he was diagnosed with cancer, my friend had to drive him to Auburn University’s equine veterinary center for his radiation treatments. Max was too big

Backhanded Compliments

2010-01-12T21:35:00.010-05:00

I did something really stupid. I’ve spent the past three years playing very little tennis, a sport I love almost as much as I love Chick-Fil-A tea. To make up for all that lost time, I stupidly agreed to play winter tennis. The thermometer registered 27 degrees when I stepped onto the court yesterday morning. But the wind blowing across the chunks of ice on the large

Well-Preserved Happiness

2010-01-10T22:09:00.010-05:00

The frigid temperatures most of us are experiencing have brought back fond memories of my trip to Hawaii last month. I’m not sure why, but during the entire trip, a little voice kept nagging me to spend every possible minute in the sun. It went something like this: The sun is out. Get your ass into a beach chair immediately, and stay there until dark. See, I’m kind

Wound Too Tight

2010-01-08T18:34:00.005-05:00

My cuckoo clock stopped working. It’s been hanging on the same wall for several years, working just fine, until one day when it just stopped. There are no batteries to replace, since a cuckoo clock is wound by pulling on the weighted cords. The instructions that came with it are in German, which made it difficult for me to diagnose the problem. But I gathered from the

Rooting for Your Dreams

2010-01-03T12:04:00.005-05:00

One evening during my recent trip to Honolulu, I was sitting in an upscale sushi bar on Kalakaua Avenue – the “strip” – on Waikiki Beach. To my right was an empty seat, and on the other side of that chair sat an obviously wealthy Japanese woman and several of her friends. Five or six empty chairs were available down the sushi bar on my left-hand side. As I sat enjoying a

Cats in the Belfry

2009-12-29T10:35:00.004-05:00

My tainted pussy is at it again. The expensive Bengal cat that lives in my home became a major headache for my sister and her family this past week. Three days before Christmas, my real estate agent called. An anonymous Washington Redskin player who already owns a home or two in Atlanta wanted to see my house the very next day. I had to set my pina colada down in the

A Scandalous Christmas

2009-12-18T15:29:00.003-05:00

This morning at breakfast, as I sat eating fresh pineapple and looking out over Waikiki Beach with Diamond Head in the distance, an article in the The Honolulu Advertiser caught my eye. Oahu, it seems, is experiencing a Christmas tree shortage. Hundreds of buyers got in line at 4 a.m. yesterday in hopes of snagging one of the trees being flown in at the last minute from

Sexy on Display

2009-12-12T16:00:00.008-05:00

Several years ago, I actually inspired an item for sale at Victoria’s Secret. Well, sort of. My sister, Holly, and I were at the Mall of America in Minneapolis for our annual Christmas shopping trip. The mannequin in the window of the Victoria’s Secret was wearing a sexy little Santa suit, a red lace bra and panty set lined in white fur and completed with a Santa hat. I

Who's the Bobblehead?

2009-11-30T15:31:00.007-05:00

My girl went back to college yesterday. She's nineteen, and she boarded an airplane bound for La Guardia all by herself. Once she landed, she got into a taxi all alone and made her way back to her dorm on Third Avenue in New York City. Now, I didn’t travel alone until I was thirty-five years old. So hugging her goodbye made me nervous and proud all at that same time.

What a Beach

2009-11-25T10:22:00.005-05:00

As the saying goes, you never know how many friends you have until you own a beach house. Back when I was married and owned a fancy-schmancy condo in Destin, Florida, friends came to spend a summer weekend. They very thoughtfully left me a hostess gift – a hand towel printed with the quote about owning a beach house and an illustrated print titled “How To Be A Beach Woman.

Oxymoronic Dicks

2009-11-19T14:26:00.006-05:00

Rhetorical devices such as metaphor, simile, alliteration, oxymoron, and allusion are the little frills that make writing interesting. “See Dick play” becomes “See Dick play with himself” using personification (some may think this is a stretch, but personification is defined as “ascribing human qualities to inanimate objects.”) “Play hard, Dick” is an example of a pun (or

I Am What I Eat -- In What Year?

2009-11-13T10:05:00.006-05:00

The Whole Foods on Ponce de Leon Avenue in Atlanta has a sign admonishing its customers to “only eat it if you can read it!” That’s good advice, actually. Those yummy Pepperidge Farm Orange Milano cookies, for example, cookies I have no business eating, contain “interesterified and/or hydrogenated soybean oil.” Now, I’m not quite sure what interesterified oil is, but the

All That Candy is Going to My Head

2009-11-02T20:02:00.010-05:00

The day before Halloween, my niece, Kate, came out of school carrying two bags of candy and the hat to her witch’s costume. She was a cute little witch. But the best part of that costume, according to my sister, was the fact that they didn’t have to fix Kate’s hair that morning. Tangled, matted curls are part of a witch's persona. Kate climbed

A Twist on Happily Ever After

2009-10-29T22:23:00.006-04:00

I have finally figured out the whole Disney formula for happily ever after, and it’s not that complicated. Sitting in Cinderella’s Castle at Disneyworld eating a $150 breakfast one fine morning, I had an epiphany. Cinderella and Prince Charming approached our table, and my friend Ann looked at me and said, “Look at Prince Charming. Isn’t he gorgeous?” “Yeah,

Horny Toads and other Dysfunctional Reptiles

2009-10-27T21:33:00.006-04:00

Not long ago, my nephew Joe asked for a “wizard.” My brother, Beau, understood what Joe was saying, and a few days later, Spike the Lizard was on my sister’s doorstep, accompanied by a glass cage, a warming rock, and a bag full of live crickets.Beau knew what Joe wanted because when he was about Joe’s age, he was fascinated with reptiles. He used to hang out around the

Acornucopia

2009-10-24T13:36:00.006-04:00

My littlest dachshund has been acting rather squirrelly the past few days. And if I’m honest, I have to say that her nutty behavior is partly my fault. When I was a kid, my mom used to make Pine Cone Choirs during the holidays. Members of the Pine Cone Choir had bodies made of pine cones with acorn heads glued on top. She painted little faces on the acorns, their mouths

Scoopid Knows Best

2009-10-20T23:01:00.005-04:00

My niece, Kate, turned five today. She’s the youngest of my sister’s four children and also the youngest of my parents’ nine grandchildren. Kate often makes me think of the nursery rhyme about the “Little girl with the little curl/right in the center of her forehead/When she was good, she was very, very good/but when she was bad, she was horrid.”Not that Kate is ever bad,

Animal Addicts Anonymous

2009-10-14T20:16:00.007-04:00

Yesterday at lunch, a friend related one of the funniest stories I’ve heard in a long time. Her friend, who we’ll call Liz, was planning a party, and in preparation, she went to the liquor store and purchased several bottles of wine. She stored them in a cool part of her basement. Several days later, Liz noticed a foul odor in her garage. After an intense search, she

Sweet Revenge

2009-10-09T21:10:00.008-04:00

I won a recipe contest this week. Melissa Hart, a writer from Oregon whom I’ve had the honor of studying under, held a recipe contest to coincide with the release of her new book, Gringa: A Contradictory Childhood. And I won! It’s amazing, really, my recipe-contest win. Because if someone were to inspect the contents of the refrigerators at either of my homes, that

The Blame Game

2009-10-07T17:25:00.007-04:00

The only reason I’m not in the jail cell formerly occupied by Michael Vick is that my dogs lack the opposable thumbs necessary for them to dial the number for the SPCA, PETA, or the federal prosecutor who sent Michael Vick to jail.According to my dogs, I’m guilty of doggy abuse. But it’s really not my fault. And apparently, I am responsible for the fact that my kid is

Fooling Around with Proof

2009-10-04T21:16:00.009-04:00

Twice in my life I have received a letter ending with the words “govern yourself accordingly.” The first was a citation from the neighborhood association concerning a noise violation caused by the dachshunds’ barking. I complied with the demand that I bring them inside before ten at night, even though the letter technically should have ended with the words “govern your

Driving While Under the Influence of Children

2009-10-01T22:48:00.018-04:00

The National Distracted Driving Summit was held in Washington, D.C. this week. In a speech today, Transportation Secretary Ray LaHood said, “Texting, using hand-held and hands-free cell phones, talking to passengers, and even programming your GPS while driving can be life-threatening distractions on the road.” Senator Charles Schumer of New York also spoke, urging the

Dog Whispering in Reverse

2009-09-27T20:41:00.006-04:00

Several years ago, I pulled into my driveway to find approximately twenty pairs of my husband’s underwear in the front yard. The dachshunds were playing tug-of-war with a pair and engaging in what came to be known as the Great Doggy-style Tighty-whitey Orgy. I asked them what the hell they were doing with the scattered skivvies, but being dogs, they only wagged their tails

Gag Reflex

2009-09-23T20:49:00.008-04:00

In the late 1970s and early 1980s, the Christian circuit produced a teacher who, by some accounts, was the second coming of Christ.A short, soft-spoken man in his forties, this self-appointed shepherd of God’s flock attracted literally millions of believers to weeklong seminars in which he spoke using only an overhead projector for a prop.The seminar delved into the basic

Marshmallow Magic

2009-09-22T19:20:00.008-04:00

Not long after I bought the house in St. Augustine, I took my twin nieces, who have earned themselves the dazzling nicknames of Amazing Grace and Faithilicious, out to the beach for a wart-removal ceremony. Actually, my mother had promised the girls a Moon-Rising Marshmallow Roast out on the beach. So Mom, her mother, the twins, and I carried the little hibachi grill and a

An Ongoing Affair with a Jeep

2009-09-19T20:57:00.004-04:00

One chilly December morning seven years ago, I went for a walk with my mother. We casually discussed the morning news, Diane Sawyer’s new haircut, and my crazy uncle’s latest attempts to open his own winery. He had sent my parents a bottle of his port -- Pork's Port -- that had exploded in their kitchen, permanently staining their pickled wood cabinets. Then, after a long

Mentoring the Mistress

2009-09-17T22:21:00.007-04:00

Not long after I filed for divorce, I took a trip with my sister and her twins, Faith and Grace, who were four at the time. My job, riding shotgun, was to keep the Disney movies playing. Since my children are out of the Disney stage, I’m a little out of touch with the current animated superstars, so they attempted to educate me. My sister described the little fish Dory in

A Different Kind of Conversion

2009-09-16T22:33:00.008-04:00

Last year, I bought a used six-seater golf cart to keep at the beach house for the purpose of hauling stuff out to the beach. It’s carrying capacity has been pushed to the limit, and that limit is two surfboards, a large cooler, five beach chairs, and five people. And while I love that my golf cart is vital to our beach enjoyment, that’s not the vehicle’s best feature. My

The Paradoxical Princess

2009-09-15T23:43:00.008-04:00

For the past two weeks, I’ve received at least two Facebook “Notifications” every day asking which Disney Princess I am. The urgency and frequency of the messages makes me think that I’m missing something in my life by not knowing which princess I’m most like. Why do I need to know if I’m more like Snow White or Pocahontas? So I’ll know what condescending names to call

Metaphysical Mutts

2009-09-13T21:10:00.008-04:00

Having their pictures hanging in the local post office for biting the mailman just wasn’t enough for the dachshunds. The felonious little beasts are now on the county’s list of vicious animals, and they’re under house arrest, which in this case means they’re only allowed to leave the confines of our home under heavy security. Two leashes each. Laverne and Shirley are the

Finding a Higher Power

2009-09-12T21:02:00.007-04:00

Last January, I took a trip to Hawaii with my mother. Petras, our exchange student, plays for the University of Hawaii on a basketball scholarship, so Mom and I spent a week on Waikiki drinking pina coladas during the day and watching Petras play in the evenings. The first morning after we’d arrived, we set out from our hotel on Kalakaua Avenue walking east

Drowning My Soggy Basement Sorrows

2009-09-11T22:00:00.005-04:00

In short, this has been the week from hell. I guess when you see a rattlesnake the size of a fire hose on Sunday, it’s possibly some kind of omen that later in the week men are going to be using extraction machines attached to fire hoses to suck the four-inch-deep water-swamp out of your basement. And that I’m going to have to act like a rattlesnake from hell with the

Measuring Intelligence

2009-09-10T20:29:00.007-04:00

One evening in early November 2005, Morgan walked into my bathroom. I was sitting on the floor of my closet packing for my annual Christmas-shopping trip with my sister to the Mall of America in Minneapolis. Morgan was wearing an Abercrombie t-shirt with the words “Dependently Wealthy” on it. She crossed her arms over her chest, leaned against the doorframe, and with her

Another Open Letter:

2009-09-09T22:26:00.004-04:00

To My Dachshunds: I really hated putting you back in the car for the drive to Atlanta. I honestly thought we’d be in St. Augustine permanently. And I sincerely apologize for being so discombobulated by the news that there was water pouring from the basement of the Atlanta house that I mistakenly gave everyone Shirley’s thyroid medication instead of Benadryl. (They’re

Grandad's Tooth

2009-09-08T16:50:00.002-04:00

I greeted my grandfather with a quick hug and then slid into the booth opposite him at our regular Friday lunch spot. As a young man, he was a fiery redhead with the proverbial temper to match the hair. Now, at eighty-six, he has the same amount of hair that he had fifty years ago, only it’s as white as the porcelain veneers replacing his top front teeth. And his temper

Karmic Kitties

2009-09-07T14:03:00.009-04:00

My friend Jan adopted a stray cat several years ago and very responsibly took the cat to be spayed. Unfortunately for the cat, the vet cut her open to perform the surgery only to find that she had already been spayed. Several months later, Jan came home from the grocery store and, after bringing in one load of groceries, got distracted and forgot to retrieve the rest.

Collecting Sweatshirts

2009-09-06T12:48:00.005-04:00

I cleaned out my closet recently in preparation for my move to Florida. I knew it was time to get rid of some things when I realized I couldn’t see the Bon Jovi poster hanging on the wall. I started with my stack of sweatshirts that I no longer wear, since living in Florida means I won't need so many. There was the U.S. Open sweatshirt from way back in 2004, the year

An Open Letter to Those Who Crossed My Path Today . . .

2009-09-05T19:56:00.003-04:00

To My Dachshunds: We’re moving to Florida today. Although your brains are the size of walnuts, I have to give you credit for the incredible intelligence you’ve shown in choosing to move with me. Trust me, Benadryl will help you sleep comfortably during the drive to St. Augustine. And for your future entertainment, the new invisible fence is configured so that the UPS guy

Stories from Church

2009-09-04T16:27:00.007-04:00

The lavalier microphone was invented in the late 1950s and first used nationally during television broadcasts of the 1960 Republican and Democratic conventions. The device was named after a particular pendant worn by the Duchess de la Valierre, a mistress of Louis XIV, because it is most often clipped at the neckline. The church purchased its first lavalier mic in the

Color Coding

2009-09-03T21:36:00.005-04:00

One of the things I love about little kids is the lack of inhibition when it comes to what they say. But I only love that trait in other peoples’ kids. Mine regularly embarrassed the hell out of me when they were young. Morgan, for instance, was enthralled with black people. When she was only three, my brother, Beau, and his new wife, Kim, wheeled

Acting Squirrelly

2009-09-01T20:54:00.004-04:00

Ten minutes after Morgan’s grandmother and I hugged her goodbye and left her in the massive Third Avenue North Dorm at New York University, I opened my purse to discover that I had some of her important documents. We were already in a cab bound for our hotel, and she didn’t need the documents immediately, so I promised to take them to her the next evening,

Well-Heeled Pack Mule with a Bad Attitude

2009-08-31T09:56:00.004-04:00

I’m pretty sure all 10,000 incoming freshman at NYU were in the Bed, Bath, and Beyond (aka Bed, Bath, and Behind) on Sixth Avenue in Manhattan yesterday afternoon. Well, all 10,000 except for Morgan. I was there in her place because she was with her Nana at the NYU bookstore buying her first semester books. I’ll go ahead and admit right now that

Using My Diploma as A Paint Rag

2009-08-29T21:48:00.011-04:00

I clearly remember the day when I realized I might get more use out of my college diploma if I turned it into a wet wipe. Hunter was almost three, Lauren was five, and Morgan was seven. We were living in the basement of our house while the main level was being remodeled. I checked to make sure all three kids were engrossed in Rugrats and then jumped into the shower. When I turned the water

Preparing My Kids For Life in a Dorm

2009-08-29T07:59:00.008-04:00

My girl’s moving into a dorm tomorrow. Tomorrow, between three and five in the afternoon, is her appointment to move into what will be her home for the next four years. Yesterday morning over breakfast at Norma’s in Manhattan, we discussed what items we needed to purchase for her room. Rug. Blanket. Lamp. Maybe a microwave, if her suitemate doesn’t already have one. A

Shocked and Awed

2009-08-28T08:50:00.005-04:00

Being in New York City reminds me of a little girl I met last summer at the Georgia State Tennis Tournament in Macon. Hunter was warming up for a match, his second of the day. It was late in the afternoon and hot enough that I could feel my white-girl skin crisping up like a batch of Captain D's batter-fried fish. I sat my stadium chair in the six inches of shade provided by an anemic magnolia

Tolerator of Tainted Pussies

2009-08-26T17:22:00.007-04:00

Part of what makes me such a great mom is my ability to tolerate pets. To date, in our household we've had several dachshunds, a hermit crab, two pythons, several turtles, a Chinese water dragon, a rescue cat, and a $1000 Bengal cat. Now, I only mention the cat's pricetag because I didn't buy the exotic cat. Lauren's daddy did. And not long after Lauren got her, the

Inspired Teaching that Could Have Gotten Me Fired

2009-08-23T16:40:00.002-04:00

My little classroom of international students was rocking right along. The boys and Noah were working hard, and I was studying several hours every evening to prepare for the next day's lesson. Aside from mothering toddlers, it was the hardest job I'd ever had. I happened across Frank McCourt’s Teacher Man, the book he published following his bestseller Angela’s Ashes. In

Teaching Profanity

2009-08-22T08:50:00.004-04:00

I looked around the room the very first day of my English as a Second Language Class and wondered what I'd gotten myself into. My class was comprised of three Polish guys -- Jakub, Krzysztof, and Aleks, a Nigerian named Solomon, Petras from Lithuania, Ousmane from Ivory Coast, a little South Korean girl named Noah, and C.J., who came to us from the nearly third-world Albany, Georgia. The

First Lady of Rehab

2009-08-21T11:35:00.003-04:00

What do politicians and addicts have in common? The easiest answer is that with both, you know they’re lying if their lips are moving. Another quirk the two share is the ability to blame everyone else for their mistakes, their favorite target often being the people they’ve screwed. Finally, both subsets of the larger group affectionately titled “Vile Human Beings” can

2009-08-20T09:38:00.004-04:00

Most English majors, it seems, devise the same backup plan if all their other dreams don't come true. The safety net? We can all teach English. I resisted teaching for many years, mostly because I didn't believe I had the patience to be a teacher. But four years ago, I volunteered to oversee an international student program at my children's Christian school. The school, over the course of

Wiping Butts with that English Degree

2009-08-19T20:04:00.002-04:00

Potty training my children was not my finest moment. I’m still not sure how one goes about properly potty training a child. I can say they were all potty trained by the time they started kindergarten, but I can’t tell you how I managed to accomplish that feat. (And for the record, I can’t house train a dachshund, either. That’s why Laverne and Shirley spend their days

Another Way to Use that English Degree: Cafeteria Worker

2009-08-17T14:44:00.003-04:00

The insurance company refused to return my post-interview telephone calls. I finally concluded that they were put off when I said, “I never imagined using my degree in creative writing to come up with creative ways to deny insurance coverage in writing.” The Christian schools both wanted me, but I would have to wear dresses every day, attend the churches affiliated with

Writing for Sexual Favors

2009-08-17T11:06:00.003-04:00

Six days after the president of Georgia State University in Atlanta handed me a rolled-up piece of paper declaring that I had fulfilled the requirements for a Bachelor's degree in English, a minister handed me a piece of paper declaring that I had fulfilled the requirements for a Mrs. Degree. In other words, I got married six days after I finished college. I was twenty.